September 24th, 2013: The Children of El Salvador

A week and a half ago I watched a movie called "Voces Inocentes/Innocent Voices".  The movie was made in 2004, 12 years after the civil war in El Salvador ended.  Voces depicts the story of children during the Salvadorian civil war (1979-1992).  During the civil war children, especially young boys, not fully understanding what was going on, had to choose an allegiance - either to the guerrillas or to the government army.  Neither group was free of violence.  To see the depiction of the thought process and emotions of these children stretched my mind.  Prior to becoming a mother I had read about child soldiers in Africa, but for some reason that was a bit intangible for me - both because I had yet to have a child of my own and because I have never been to Africa.  Something about going to El Salvador, understanding its history a little bit more, and being a mother, has given me a deeper understanding of the complexity that still lives in the minds of these children whom now are adults.  I recommend watching this movie if you want to better understand the history of El Salvador.

I am going to share some facts that were shared with me regarding cost of living and a little bit about the social reality in El Salvador.  A family of four, just for food, needs approximately $170/month.  Textile and factory workers make approximately $190/month.  Farm workers make approximately $100/month.  Those with professional degrees make between $600-$700/month.  For a family of four to have a modest living they would need to make about $700/month.  80% of all earnings goes towards commercial buys - such as clothes, food, and rent.  The other 20% goes towards healthcare and education.  Many families are single parent homes.

While in El Salvador I interacted with many children.  On Monday, August 5th our group visited a

Me with a mom of a scholarship student.

community, Las Delicias, a small campo, a semi-rual area, of 600-700 people, with urban problems, 45 minutes outside of San Salvador.  In this community people make about $4-$5/day.  If they can find work in nearby factories they can earn up to $190/month.  In this community there is one elementary school, and it is free.  However, to attend school students must have a pair of shoes and supplies for the academic year, which equates to $60 a year.  Many of the children do not attend school due to financial constraint.  There is no high school in Las Delicias.  For children to attend high school its approximately $400/year, which includes the cost of bus transportation from Las Delicias to the high school in the neighboring area.  For most of the families in the area high school is not an option therefore making college even less attainable.            

Yet there is so much hope in Las Delicias!  Here we visited one of the Maryknoll Lay Missioners sites.  Larry, the missioner works with  FUDESCA: Fundación para el Desarrollo y la Solidaridad Cástulo Antonio (FUDESCA).  This organization works on several projects, some of which include, scholarships for youth attending elementary and high schools  and young adults attending college, soccer teams - where their motto is Dios, Estudios y Deportes, computer classes, a small library is accessible to youth to read and study, jewelry making, art classes, and even a break-dancing team!  I was struck by the diversity of the programs for the youth.  Since gangs infest the streets of El Salvador it is necessary that children have healthy and life-giving alternatives - such as school and activities, like those provided by FUDESCA.  While there are barriers to overcome the poverty I saw in Las Declicas, I truly felt a sense of hope visiting this small community.

With children in La Esperanza.

The day that has had a lasting affect in my heart is Tuesday, August 6th when we visited Maryknoll Lay Missioners, Rick's site, in La Esperanza, a squatter settlement along El Salvador's abandoned railroad, 20 miles East of Cojutepeque.  During the Salvadorian civil war people fled the San Vicente area and basically squatted around these railroad tracks.  This area was probably equivalent to the worst poverty I have seen in my life - most people in this area don't have a title or own the land they live on and basic services are extremely limited - if at all existent.  Walking along side the railroad track down a dirt road one can smell the raw sewage.  We entered a small one room building - a multi-purpose chapel space - built by a base community in the area.  Here catechesis for adults and the ministries of taking care of the sick and distribution of food takes place.  In this same room children play and learn English.  Rick also works closely with the older children in the area helping them become promoters of literacy in their community.  There is no school in La Esperanza - the closest is in Cojutepeque.  Upon seeing the conditions and hearing the reality I gave everything I could to the children that surrounded me - pens, paper, rosary, a cross...everything.  I knew this "stuff" was not going to fix anything.  I knew that our visit was not going to change their reality.  But I attempted to love them in the moment.  And they have created a lasting affect in my heart and soul that cannot be removed (as I type I cry).  Retrospectively looking at the situation I now remember Rick telling us, that they never have visitors, and that our presence showed these children that they are valued and loved.  I hope I loved enough that day.   

I know we all left with heavy hearts because we know that many of these children face terrible odds of overcoming the barriers that hold them back.  This community moved my heart.  These children changed my soul.  One cannot see this reality and come back the same person.  Tonight as I was driving home and was talking to my dad on my cell phone I told him - I am too comfortable.  I said, "Papi, I just drove 60 miles - back and forth to work - how can I be okay with this when the children in El Salvador do not have access to go to a school that is 20 miles away from them?"  While I am unsure of where this experience is going to lead me and my family, I know, in the depths of my heart that I am not the same person I was before I left to El Salvador.              

In 2011 the Universidad de Centro America (UCA), a university run by the Jesuits in El Salvador, did a study asking the question, is El Salvador a country for youth?  The study concluded that due to the gang prevalence and violence, it is not.  I did learn, however, that there has been some strides of success in disarming the violence created by gangs in El Salvador.  Time magazine highlights a truce that has been made between two of the most powerful gangs in El Salvdor in an article written in 2012 (Gang Truce).  The sense that I got was that some people believe the truce is working because homicides in certain regions have lowered.  People are grateful that the truce - not more violence - is actually lowering the number of deaths.  However, some people are very skeptical that the truce is actually working.  They believe that the reports on the numbers of homicides are skewed.

Overall I am left with more questions than answers.  What is my role?  What can I do?  I received an email from Rick a few days ago with two notes from two children in his community asking me to write a letter and send pictures to them.  I knew, without thinking, that I was going to respond to these children.  Besides my long distance love of the children of El Salvador - what else am I called to do?  How am I being called to share the story of the children of El Salvador?    

September 2nd, 2013: Water, Gang Violence, Parque Cuscatlán and El Rosario Church

We were told that El Salvador is doing 50% better than all of the countries around the world and 50% worse than all of the countries around the world - when it comes to poverty, violence, education, health care, and access to resources.  We also learned that 90% of all of the drinking water in El Salvador is contaminated, therefore to have clean drinking water, people, if they can afford it, need to drink bottled water.  Many people in El Salvador do not have this luxury.  We visited many people that had a spout where water comes out of.  Depending on the community sometimes the water comes out of this spout one time every other week or one time a month.  Unfortunately those who have this spout have to constantly keep a bucket under the spout because they do not know the exact day and time the water will spring forth - and this water is not clean drinking water.  I have noticed that many developing countries I have visited have a scarcity of clean natural water.  Not having access to clean drinking water creates many health problems which can lead to other issues such as malnutrition, illnesses, inability to work or focus at school, and dehydration.  What are we going to do globally as the issue of access to clean drinking water becomes larger?  What are we doing now to save the water that we do have?       

Gang violence is very prominent in El Salvador.  This explanation on gang violence in El Salvador will be simplistic but will help my readers understand how the gang problem began.  Due to the civil war and the common "push and pull" effects of immigration [push factors such as poverty, conflict and disaster, pull factors such as employment, public benefits, and family members that might already be in the country migrants are attempting to get to] an estimated 1 million people, left El Salvador.  Many migrants left with their children.  Some people ended up in major metropolitan cities such as Los Angeles.  Work was scarce and many people who migrated to the United States continued to struggle.  Even though they were living in a more developed country the migrants were still living in poverty.  For the same reasons many American youth enter gangs, the young babies that left El Salvador - without a memory of their home country - now found themselves as young adults and were looking for protection, an identity, recognition, fellowship, and eventually became part of the gang culture.  Due to the nature of criminal gang activity in the 90s many of these gang members were arrested and then since they were not U.S. citizens they were deported to El Salvador.  "In the last 12 years, U.S. immigration authorities have logged more than 50,000 deportations of immigrants with criminal records to Central America (Maryknoll information packet)."  These young men, did not speak Spanish, did not remember their home country, and learned about gang violence in the U.S., and therefore when they returned to El Salvador this created a tight network of gang culture in El Salvador.  To this day gang violence is active.  The two main gangs in El Salvador are Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13) and the 18th Street gangs.  The gangs not only affect violence but also affect the children of El Salvador, in that children are the ones recruited to join these gangs.      

One thing that struck me while we were in El Salvador was the prominence of guns.  Outside of every store - big or small, outside of churches, and sometimes even homes, every one had a security guard with a gun.  Coming from a place in California where violence is not in my face all of the time, this was hard for me to see and be around.  Are the guns used for intimidation?  Security?  Or perhaps a subtle reminder of the blood of the war and a reflection of who truly is in charge?  I don't know.  The civil war ended 20 years ago, but I still think the effects of the war, in the living memory of those who are there, is still very real.  I am unsure of what Salvadorians think about the presence of guns everywhere, but I know that for me it was jarring and something I could not ignore.       

Two things about traveling in El Salvador that I truly miss are the notion of time and affection.  In the United States we are addicted to our cell phones and looking at our watches.  We must be efficient and timely to fit into American society.  The notion of time seemed to not exist in El Salvador.  It allowed me to be present to those I was interacting with in a more intentional way.  One of the things that I experienced once I came back from El Salvador was the reverse culture shock of not hugging people and kissing them on the cheek.  In El Salvador every person I met I hugged and kissed.  This is very common in Latin American countries, so it is something I am very used to, since my family is Puerto Rican and Cuban.  When I got back to the United States and people were "stand offish" and needed

Mike at Parque Cuscatlán

personal space I struggled.      

El Rosario Church - Stations of the Cross

On Sunday, August 4th we went to Parque Cuscatlán, mass at El Rosario Church, and we spent some time praying at Romero's tomb in the Cathedral.  In Parque Cuscatlán we saw a memorial wall with 43 panels where those killed or disappeared are remembered.  Then we went to El Rosario Church in San Salvador.  From the outside the Church didn't look like much but once inside you could tell it had a post-Vatican II feel - the seating was unique, the natural light and stained glass was beautiful and the stations of the cross were made with rod iron in a very contemporary rendition.  While I don't remember the exact preaching the priest said that day, I do remember the Dominican friar preaching about distribution of wealth and making sure that we not only take care of ourselves and those in our immediate families but also those whom might not have the same resources that we do (Luke 12: 13-21).  His preaching was poignant and challenging.    

Just outside El Rosario is Plaza Libertad.  During the civil war on October 29th, 1979 there was a massacre in this plaza - campesinos (people from the country) were peacefully protesting the oppression of the government in the plaza and the military opened fire.  People ran for cover in El Rosario Church.  Those running into the church brought bodies with them in hope of either burying them or attempting to resuscitate them.  Once the church was full the doors were shut.  You can still see bullet holes in the church doors.

bullet holes in the door

Twenty-one people died attempting to get into the church.  The people who made it into the church had to stay in there for a few days until Archbishop Romero finally convinced the military to back off.  Due to this waiting period, and the smell of dead bodies in the church, the people whom survived decided to lift up the tiles and to bury the dead.

My next post will focus on my experience of the Catholic Church in El Salvador and Monsignor Romero.  

September 2nd, 2013: Santiago Nonualco

Ever since my trip to Peru, Bolivia, and Argentina in 2008, Maryknoll Lay Missioners (http://www.mklm.org/) have been in my heart.  The core values of of the missioners: Gospel values, option for the poor, conversion, witness, crossing cross cultural boundaries, community, forming ecclesial teams, and building bridges with the U.S. church, really resonate with me.  This particular trip was sponsored by both Maryknoll and JustFaith Ministries (http://www.justfaith.org/).  Maryknoll Lay Missioners were the main tour guides for us while were were in El Salvador.  Maryknoll has been in El Salvador for almost 50 years.  

On Saturday, August 3rd, we visited the site of where four church women - two Maryknoll Sisters, one Ursline sister and a lay missioner - Jean Donovan, were martyred in Santiago Nonualco.  One of the things that struck me most was that we met a priest, Fr. John, who was on site the day the women were found dead.  This same priest had also carried Romero's casket just nine months prior to the women dying.  Fr. John's living testimony was moving and passionate.  These women were his friends.  The story of how these women died was chilling.  It's hard to grapple with how humanity can be so cruel and insensitive.  I found an article, written by a sister who served in El Salvador at the same time as Ita Ford, Jean Donovan, Maura Clarke, and Dorothy Kazel.  Her story will provide you with more insight into what happened the evening of December 2nd, 1980.  

Article from Maryknoll Sister Madeline Dorsey, who served in El Salvador at the time, reflects on those harrowing days and the deaths of her friends and colleagues.     

Prior to their brutal murders all of these women had several chances to leave El Salvador, but they did not.  They felt a deep calling to stay present and accompany those whom were suffering from the effects of the civil war.  It made me question what would I do if I felt threatened because of the ministry I was doing?  It made me reflect upon my time at Annunciation House and leaving after an immigrant, Juan Patricio, was brutally killed.  I left early from my year of volunteer work because of consequences that could have happened, but never did.  I was not even being physically threatened.  I was given an option out and I took it.  Yet these women, in the face of a lot of violence stayed.  At one point Jean Donovan said, "Several times I have decided to leave El Salvador.  I almost could, except for the children, the poor, bruised victims of this insanity.  Who would care for them?  Whose heart could be so staunch as to favor the reasonable thing in a sea of their tears and loneliness?  Not mine, dear friend, not mind."  Do I feel guilt for leaving Annunciation House when I did?  10 years later, even though I can rationally give reasons as to why I left, I can honestly say that on some level I do carry guilt for not standing up for what I do believe in.

What about hope?  Violence is still very prominent in El Salvador.  El Salvador ranks first among the countries in Latin America in violent deaths, 370 homicides a month.  Yet, the presence of those accompanying the people on the margins is alive and relevant.  The humility and love the lay missioners have is akin to the love Christ has for each one of us.  I can only hope that God can give me the grace to aspire to love as deeply and to not be afraid of adversity, even if it means my life.    

September 2nd, 2013: El Salvador

Ever since I learned about Oscar Romero and the Jesuit martyrs, El Salvador has been a place I have wanted to visit.  Prior to going I knew that El Salvador was sacred ground.

Mike and I arrived to El Salvador on Friday, August 2nd.  Once the tires of the plane hit the tarmac tears started to form in my eyes.  I had arrived.  Looking out the airplane windows I saw endless green, beauty, and serenity.  It was hard for me to fully imagine the bloodshed that had occurred in such a gorgeous place during the Salvadorian civil war.   

At the Retreat Center.

Going through security, customs, and gathering our luggage was easy.  Mike and I had a cute conversation with the lady whom stamped our passports.  We met up with our group outside of the airport near the Subway.  Our group was quite easy to spot because from what I could tell we were the only Americans there that afternoon.  While finding our bus was a little chaotic, everything else about the airport and the drive to the retreat center, in Planes de Renderos, was quite simple.  Again what struck me most was the beauty of the landscape.  I instantly felt at home and welcomed in El Salvador.  Perhaps it is a spiritual home for me since I feel so connected to Romero's message of solidarity with those on the margins.  Or perhaps an intellectual curiosity and connection to the Jesuit martyrs since my own spirituality is Ignatian and I do classify myself as a theologian that thinks critically, yet simply, and always in light of the Gospels message of keeping the voiceless at the forefront.  Regardless of the why, the connection with El Salvador is real and deep.

To give those who read my blog a very brief history of El Salvador will be very important.  El Salavdor's recent history is very violent.  In 1880 the main cash crop from El Salvador was coffee, bringing in 95% of the countries income.  However only 2% of the entire population benefited from this.  Tensions from the class inequality grew.  In 1932 the peasant subsistence farmers, many of whom were indigenous, attempted an uprising, but were stopped by the military government.  This lead to genocidal massacre - killing between 10,000-40,000 people.  Military dictators then began to rule El Salvador until 1979.     

The struggle continued through the 1970s.  Depending on your source some say the civil war was brewing since the 30s - since this is when the repression was at its first boiling point, others say that it broke out in the 70s, while others pin 1980 as the official date of the civil war.  "In the 1970s discontent with social inequalities, a poor economy, and the repressive measures of dictatorship led to civil war between the government and leftist anti-government guerrilla units, whose leading group was the Farabundo Marti National Liberation Front (FMLN).  The U.S. intervened on the side of the military dictatorship, despite its scores of human rights violations.  US military aid reached the level of $1 million per day through the late 70s and early 80s.  Between 1979 and 1981, right-wing death squads backed by the military killed about 30,000 people (Maryknoll Trip Preparation Book)."  After approximately 75,000 people were killed, the civil war eventually ended on January, 16th, 1992 when a peace agreement was reached.

Prior to going to El Salvador - I knew all of the history intellectually.  But while I was there the history took root in my very being.  I felt and saw the struggle between those who have everything they need and those who are struggling to survive.  I understood why people revolted against their own government in a much more palpable way.  Honestly, I still saw suppression, extortion, corruption, and felt the presence of violence, although I never once felt afraid or threatened.  What about hope?  Yes, I did see and feel that presence also - this is what I hope my future blogs will be about.

In these next few blogs I will be giving my readers a sense of what I learned, saw and felt when I visited El Salvador.  This trip has changed me.  It has made me a little bit more compassionate.  It has made me more outwardly spoken.  It has helped me to tell others exactly how I feel because I have learned, again, that life is too short to not love deeply.  I hope that these next few blogs move you to learn more about El Salvador, the people, culture, and history.  And I hope this learning moves you towards prayer, love and action.  

April 20th, 2013: Prayer for Humanity

Even though, from what I am reading online, those in Boston can sleep a little better because the two Tsarnaev boys have been caught, a great sadness envelops me.  I am purposely using the word boys because they were young men who still had a lot to learn in life.  They were young men who needed guidance and the hands of their community to grow into mature men in our society.  From what I have read, their family is in poverty, struggles with being immigrants in the US, and both boys lack guidance academically and professionally.  We also have to remember that while these boys have been connected to the bombings thus far, an investigation remains open.  We have to remember our system, innocent until proven guilty.  They are people, creations of God, and we must love them as such, even though their alleged actions are heinous. How often in our own communities do we neglect to guide and journey with those on the margins?  If we were more outwardly neighbors to young men and women in poverty and struggling, do you think the bombings or other violence would occur?  I am extrapolating information, but I think these are valid points for us to reflect upon.      

Lately there have been so many scary things occurring in our country - Newtown, a few years ago Gabrielle Giffords, potential bomb scares across the country at different universities, and now Boston.  If I think globally, places such as Juarez, Mexico, Syria, Iraq, Sudan, Somalia, the violence in those areas are much worse - in the sense of causalities - than what is occurring in the US.  But then again, I ask myself, what is humanity doing?  And how are we, as Christians, responding locally and globally?  

I am the type of person who knows that even those who do the most heinousness of crimes have at least a little bit of goodness in them.  I believe in forgiveness.  I also believe that people have the capability to transform into the people Christ created them to be.  If you don't, I suggest you read "Dead Man Walking" by Sr. Helen Prejean.  

While the people of Boston are rejoicing that they can walk the streets again safely, I am still mourning the loss of the three people who have died in the bombings and the cop who was shot.  I am grieving for the lives of those injured, who cannot walk, and who have to re-learn what it means for them to 'be' in society without limbs and with the tragedy of the bombings ingrained in their psyche.  I am still crying over the Tsarnaev boys, their loss of innocence, life, and direction.  I weep for humanity.

I think Fr. James Martin SJ in a recent blog post states what I need to do today:

"In fact, after so much fear, violence and tension yesterday, especially in Boston, and especially in Watertown, today is probably a good day for quiet, for contemplation and for prayer.  And, again, there is much to pray for."

A.M.D.G.

Click here to read Fr. James Martin, SJ's Article

Here is a comment a former student from UNM made to this comment on facebook.  I think he raises valid arguments.  What's interesting is that after reading what Sean wrote, my own gathering of information, and talking to my mom about the information she has received, I am not sure what the facts truly are.  Regardless, I think Sean's comments are good to pray about.

Sean Williams, "A lot of good things here Rosie, and I do agree with most of the things you said-- especially the last 4 or 5 paragraphs. I do, however, disagree with some of what you said in your first paragraph.

While I do feel like what you've written there is the case for many people in the United States, from what I've heard and read about these brothers (and I've been following this story pretty closely) they were not at all on the margins. Both went to a renowned, diverse Massachusetts high school. The older brother went to college, was a good student, had a child and wife, and was a very good boxer and represented Mass. numerous times on a national level. The younger brother went to the same high school, was going to college currently where he received a scholarship, was a lifeguard and spoke about how he enjoyed saving lives doing that work, and had many American friends. They even grew up here in America as children and are really just as "American" as you and me. From all I can tell, these brothers received all the good America had to offer and were not on the margins in the least.

This is me extrapolating as well, but what I feel happened is that the older brother on his 6 month visit back to his home country began getting into radical Islamic beliefs and got latched onto a radical Australian preacher who showed him the ideas that inspired the bombings. I believe he came home and imparted these ideas on his younger brother who probably respected his older brother greatly and, while not being fully invested in these beliefs, joined in with his brother due to that respect he had for him. I think from looking at his Twitter account and seeing what friends have said of him there's enough evidence to show that he was, at his core, a good if obviously very misguided young man.

I guess I say all this because I think portraying them as men on the margins that America did a disservice to undermines the gravity of what they did. The facts, from what I can tell, show that they were not on the margins. They had been treated well by America. They were not forgotten about and ignored, like, say, the Columbine shooters. What they did is so much more insane because they WERE treated well by America; it makes it that much more mind boggling, and makes it that they need to be held all the more accountable. 

For me, this is a case of what radicalism causes. It pulled two men who had so much to do heinous things. And that's radicalism across all things--not just Islam, which is, I think sadly, what much of the media will turn this into. It's not about Islam or religion, but it's about religion in general turned to a radicalism that asks for a group of people to die. How these young men were enticed by that and how they ruined so many peoples lives I think is the saddest thing of all."

April 10th, 2013: Steadily Improving

Bless me friends, for I have not written a blog in 10 days.  Friends, forgive me.  Life has been really busy.  Holy week, Easter, Mike's parent's visiting from Ohio, planning a trip to Albuquerque for next month and El Salvador in August, amongst other work and family responsibilities.



Today, Sofia and I went to Oxnard to visit my mami.  As you can tell from the picture above she is doing a lot better.  The two major improvements I have seen over the past week are that 1) she is not getting as tired as quickly and 2) her vision is almost completely back to normal - she only has double vision in her left eye, when she looks to the far left.  Today, the entire time I was in Oxnard, I did not see my mami lay down in her bed.  She was either sitting, standing, or walking.  Her physical strength is definitely returning.  

Earlier this week one of my mami's doctors told her that she will fully recover!  This has brought a lot of peace into my families heart.  We know full recovery will still take some time, but we are grateful for the blessings that we have already encountered.  Please continue to pray for my family as we journey with my mami towards recovery.

A.M.D.G.

March 31st, 2013: Easter

Alleluia, He is Risen!  How often in our lives do we recognize the risen Lord?  For most of us, when we are in the midst of struggle, we don't know when the resurrection is going to occur.  Imagine what the disciples of Jesus felt when they saw that Jesus was laid in the tomb.  Even though Jesus had told them several times that he was going to rise in three days, they did not fully comprehend what that meant.  They didn't know that Jesus was going to conquer death and sin.  They didn't know that the resurrection was going to occur in three days.  Only after the fact did the disciples begin to understand the notion of Jesus' resurrection.  But even then, some disciples, doubting Thomas, didn't fully grasp what the resurrection meant.  What our faith calls us to do is to trust that God will help the resurrections in our lives come to fruition - no matter how long it takes.  

How do you rejoice that Jesus has risen?  What does it mean that Jesus has risen?  How have you seen the risen Christ in your life?  This Easter season these are questions that are good to ponder.

I know that in my life right now I am living the resurrection.  I am married to a man I deeply love, have an amazing daughter - one that I always dreamed of, I love my job - every bit of it, have a community at USC that is challenging me to grow closer to Christ, have friends that are supportive yet know how to nudge me to grow, and have a family that always exceed my expectations of love for me.  What's ironic is that I know that none of the things that I mention above are perfect.  There is a difference between perfection and living and rejoicing in the resurrection.  And, naturally, there are other dreams I have in my life such as traveling the world, doing missionary work, participating in a sprint triathlon  and perhaps getting a PhD.  But, while I don't know what will happen in my future, I don't wait in angst, like I have in my past - especially in my dating life.  I am rejoicing in the resurrection in my life, right now, by sharing the love of Christ, primarily through presence with others, so that hopefully they feel the love of God in their own lives and realize that God's love is enough.        

If I look at my mami's journey with GBS I see glimpses of the resurrection.  I think she is still in "holy waiting", sitting in her Holy Saturday.  She has greatly improved.  She now has graduated from home health care and has now been assigned to outpatient physical and occupational therapy.  She is both moving and talking better.  She still gets sleepy very easily, does not have her full strength back, her voice is not fully back to normal, and she is still in a lot of pain as her nerves wake up.  My mami is still waiting for Easter day.  The grace that I see in my mami is the patience and love that she has shown me as she waits for the full health of her body.  She is patiently waiting the resurrection.  She is full of faith and love.  These are things I hope I can do when I face future tribulation.  My mami has taught me glimpses of how to bare tough crosses through long periods of time, awaiting the resurrection.

A.M.D.G.         

March 27th, 2013: Joy

Today's visit with my mami was the best visit I have had with her since the onset of her GBS.  I did not leave her side all day, except for about 2 hours while she slept and I played cards with the rest of my family.

As I reflect upon my day with her I cannot pinpoint exactly why I am so joyful.  Perhaps its because being home has a better feeling than going into a hospital?  Or maybe its the comfort of not having to follow any hospital rules?  And Sofia being able to run around my mami like everything is back to normal?  Perhaps its the fact that I saw my mom get in and out of bed easier without much help?  Or maybe its just because this is the first day off of work that I have had in 10 days and I was able to be fully present to her without distractions?    

The source of joy I know is God.  I know that God has given my mami the strength to recover rather quickly.  Today I walked with my mami, she was assisted by a walker, for about 10 minutes in front of her house.  She got up and down stairs.  She ate normal food.  She went to the restroom alone.  We even opened a twitter account for her!  Two weeks truly has made a difference in her recovery.  

Today was a great day spent with family.  Sofia fell asleep in my arms.  These moments I treasure.  She is growing up so quickly and I want to cherish them as long as I can.  My mami wanted me to lay next to her while she attempted to sleep.  I did.  It was nice to just hug her.  I talked to my mami a lot!  We talked about Appalachia, students at USC, Sofia's second birthday, family, Pope Francis and much more.  I played cards with Mike, his dad, my papi, mami, aunt and uncle.  We laughed and we were competitive   It was so much fun.  All of us shared two great meals together.  I am just so blessed to have a family that is so loving, faithful, and caring.  As I type this, tears are forming in my eyes.  These tears are of joy and gratitude.  Tears of thankfulness to God.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  

A.M.D.G.          

March 24th, 2013: God's Time

This entry is going to be disjointed.  My thoughts and prayers have yet to coalesce into something deeply insightful.  Luckily, "God writes straight with crooked lines".  

Yesterday at about 6:30pm I got back from a Spring Break trip with 6 students from the USC Caruso Catholic Center to Appalachia; specifically we went to Vanceburg, Kentucky and volunteered with Glenmary Farms (http://www.glenmary.org/farm/).  The trip was very prayer-filled.  I learned a lot about the area, culture, and people.  For example, in Lewis County, less than 1% of all people are Catholic.  When we went to Sunday mass, last week, there were probably about 20 people present, including us.  35% of people in Lewis County are unemployed.  The national average for unemployment is about 15%.  Since there is no work, the community is an aging community.  Music, specifically country music, and family, tend to be the heart and soul of the people in Vanceburg.  I'll reflect more on this experience in a later post.

I personally re-learned that I can live in radical simplicity in the United States.  It felt natural, comfortable and authentically me, living simply, doing acts of service, praying constantly, being present to people, and living in community.  I think the three things I missed most were:  my family, eating healthy, and running - the last two are luxuries that people in poverty generally cannot choose.      

Today, back in Los Angeles, reality hit.  I went back to the office and things were moving a lot faster than the pace I was getting used to in Kentucky.  Everything in Kentucky was in "God's Time".  Our cell phones did not work, we did not have internet, and I don't wear a watch.  I rarely knew what time it was.  If we were not working, ministering, being present to one another, or eating, I was praying, journaling, or reading, "My Life with the Saints" by Fr. James Martin, SJ.   

Today, shortly before mass at 7pm I received a text message from my mami, "I am back in the hospital.  Pray."  On Saturday, my mami had been released from the rehabilitation facility/hospital and within 24 hours she was back in the hospital.  I could not call her in the moment.  I had to wait until 10pm to call her.  All throughout mass I kept starting at the crucifix, asking God to watch over my mami.  The crucifix in our church is depicted on the left.  No matter where you are in the church, if you look into Jesus' eyes, it seems as if he's looking right at you, with compassion, saying "I am with you always".  If God could bare the pain of the world on the cross, I know that my mami can fight GBS and her family and friends can support her.  If I was not lectoring I would have cried.           

As soon as left the Catholic Center I called my dad.  He told me that early this morning she could not hold down food.  A nurse came to the house, checked her vitals, called the doctor, and together they made the decision to take her back to the hospital.  Now my mami feels a little better.  She is holding down food and she's in good spirits.  Please continue to pray for my mami's recovery.  Sofia, Mike, Mike's parents and I are headed to Oxnard this Wednesday.  I am so excited to see my mami after two weeks of not seeing her!  Thank you in advance for your prayers.

A.M.D.G.

    

March 14th, 2013: Habemus Papam

This week for me has been full of ups and downs.  After prayer, and going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation at the Catholic Center, I have come to the conclusion, one again, that I am too hard on myself.  I cannot be everything to everyone, including my mami, papi, husband and daughter.  I can only be who I am and try my best to be as present as possible to them in the moment.  This is hard to grapple with because I want to be exactly what they need, right when they need it.  Again, all I can do is be me and allow God to do the rest.  The priest I went to confession told me that sometimes "to do" something isn't necessarily what is needed, sometimes what you must do is "let it go" and allow it to be.  Funny how "letting go" is a reoccurring theme in my life.  This week has also taught me that I am in serious need of finding a spiritual director.  I have asked a Sister if she can walk with me on my journey towards holiness.  I am awaiting her answer.          

I have been glued to twitter and facebook for weeks now, attempting to learn as much as I can about papal conclaves, the process, and the major players.  As I was driving to Oxnard yesterday to visit my mami, I tried every radio news station I could find to give me updates on the color smoke that was coming out of the Sistine Chapel.  Nothing.  I got to Oxnard about 11:10am...I was going through twitter and facebook....nothing.  Then I got the text message from a alert system I had signed up for on my phone!  Habemus Papam!  We have a Pope!  I was thrilled, and a bit shocked (I thought the process was going to take a lot longer).  I started texting, Mike, friends and students in excitement.  Who was going to be our new pope?  With Sofia, we ran to my mami's room.  I knew she'd be glued to the TV.  As soon as I came in she was thrilled to see me and was practically jumping out of her bed in excitement for the new Pope.  We waited for what seemed like forever, an hour and twenty minutes to be exact, who was going to come out?  Why was it taking so long?  Sofia, to my surprise, was good, just sitting in her stroller!

Then Pope Francis came out.  Habemus Papam!  I quickly found out that he is a Jesuit (yay!) and he is from Argentina.  A Latin American Jesuit Pope!  It sounds too good to be true!  Now here is my overly optimistic side coming out...and I honestly don't have concrete facts to base this next statement, but, I truly believe that we are the brink of major change in the Church, perhaps a Vatican III.  Now, today, a friend did point out to me that we cannot over or under estimate what the Pope can or cannot do.  We must remain realistic   However, I do know that several concrete things have happened that are already out of the ordinary, 1) The resignation of Pope Emeritus Benedict.  A resignation of a Pope has not happened in over 500 years.  After listening and readings many of John Allen's (National Catholic Reporter & CNN's Corespondent to the Vatican) commentary on the situation, I do believe that Pope Emeritus Benedict set up the stage for something unheard of to occur.  2)  The selection of someone from Latin America.  This is the first time that someone from the Americas is selected as Pope.  The Church is making the statement that it's population is growing and is the largest in Latin America for me indicates that poverty will be a major focus of this papacy.  3)  The selection of a Jesuit.  Again, this is a first.  Pope Francis, I believe, rides the line that brings both conservatives and liberals together.  This is what the Church needs.  We are not a Church of either/or rather we are a Church of both/and.  4)  Lastly, choosing a new name, Pope Francis.  He wants to start something new.  Begin a new legacy.      

This is the first time in my life that I have felt a real strong connection and love for a Pope.  I have admired other Popes in my lifetime but for some reason I have a stronger connection with Pope Francis.  Here are some of the reasons that attract me to Pope Francis:  1) His humility speaks volumes.  His clothing was simple.  The cross he wore was a wooden one that he wore as a bishop.  He seems to have the "I am not worthy" attitude.  I feel like I am going to learn a lot about humility from this man of God.  2) He is a man of deep prayer.  His first few words to us were to pray for him.  Then he prayed for us.  Then we prayed together.  This is what I want a follower of Christ to do, religious, ordained, or lay.  Prayer is absolutely essential to making life decisions big and small.  Ministry and love flow from God.  Prayer will help us get closer to God which essentially will make us more Christ-like.  He is merely leading by example.  This is a powerful statement.  3)  His simplicity.  While bishop in Argentina he used public transit.  He lived in a small apartment, not a huge palace.  Simplicity is something I struggle with.  I know that he'll push me to grow in this area.   4) He fights for the poor.  When he was being appointed as Cardinal and now when he gets installed as Pope he has told people to give the money to the poor instead of coming to see him get appointed or installed.  He has cleaned the feet of people suffering from AIDS.  He walks with those on the margins.  He's in kinship with them and feels impelled to make changes so that those who are in poverty can live a life of greater dignity.  5)  I saw a facebook message that said something like, "I feel like my football team just won the Superbowl."  I am Jesuit trained.  Ignatian spirituality is my spirituality.  He is Jesuit trained...and I feel a sense of pride and excitement in that.    6)  Lastly he is from Latin America.  He is representing my people.  He is representing where my heart lies.  He gets my culture.  Overall, I am overjoyed.  I have printed out several articles about Pope Francis to read when I go to Appalachia with a group of college students over spring break.  I am interested in getting to know who this man is better.    

Finally I will give an update on my mami.  I am amazed at how much she's improved over the last week.  She is able to sit up on her own; I brushed her hair.  She can walk with a walker now, albeit slowly.  She is no longer on any tubes, not even the pic line that gave her extra medications, if needed.  Her voice is stronger.  She laughs and tells jokes a lot more.  Again, I know that she still has a long way to full recovery, but the rehabilitation facility is actually telling her that she might be able to come home by the end of the month!

My Titi Jane (aunt) and Uncle Bobby came in today from Puerto Rico to spend some time with her.  I am grateful that they will be here to support my mami & papi.  It has been really hard for me to be in Los Angeles, so close, and not be able to be even more supportive, physically, to my parents.      

I will see my my family after I get back from Appalachia.  My next visit with them will probably be Wed. March 27th.

Tonight, I went with some students to see G-Dog, a movie about Homeboy Industries and Fr. Greg Boyle, SJ.  Fr. Greg is a modern day saint.  I hope to bring him to speak at USC so that the students can be moved to live like Christ and live their lives for others.  Fr. Greg's words, honestly, can resonate in me for long periods of time, filling me with myriads of insights.  Tonight he spoke a lot about kinship.  In his book, "Tattoos on the Heart" he states:

"Mother Teresa diagnosed the world's ills in this way:  we've just 'forgotten that we belong to each other.'  Kinship is what happens to us when we refuse to let that happen.  With kinship as the goal, other essential things fall into place; without it, no justice, no peace.  I suspect that were kinship our goal, we would no longer be promoting justice - we would be celebrating it."

Fr. Greg is inspirational.  How am I promoting kinship?  How am I living it?  What does this all mean for me?  Perhaps, Mike and I are called to one day embark on missionary work to third world countries.  I have always said that missionary work helps me to become my more authentic self.  Perhaps it means that I am called to walk on the margins with those in Los Angeles, which is something I am craving to do.  I miss my work with immigrants, my people.  What I do know is that right now I do need to remain present to the kinship around me, my friends, family, students, and co-workers.  Kinship is something Pope Francis is also preaching about.  Embracing kinship, self sacrifice, and personal care are all things I want to reflect more deeply upon so that one day I can have a greater balance in those three areas.

Please pray for the 12 students going to New Orleans and 7 students going to the Appalachian Mountains this Spring Break with the USC Caruso Catholic Center!          

March 8th, 2013: Stations of the Cross

Since Mike, Sofia & I were not going up to Oxnard tonight to visit with my parents I decided that I would stay at work a little bit later so that I could participate in the Stations of the Cross with the students at the USC Caruso Catholic Center.  I was taken aback by how much I was moved by the Stations tonight.  Two Stations struck me hard.  I don't think the students noticed, but I was crying.  I think the Triduum at the Catholic Center is going to have a new level of depth for me this year for two reasons:  my mami and my daughter, Sofia.

Jesus meets his mother, station 4.  The Stations at the Catholic Center are painted by Peter Adams.  The art is stunning.  The way that Mr. Adams uses light and colors helps me pray and reflect in a new way.  As we reflected on the Fourth Station I could not help but think about how I have been comforting my own mother as she struggles with GBS and how grateful I am that she has comforted me in the past through heartbreaks, injuries, and illnesses.  I remember talking on the phone late at night to my mami after a breakup with a guy in Albuquerque.  She told me to leave NM and move back home.  She wanted to hold me, physically.  What she didn't realize was that even though she was not physically holding me, she was holding me with love and prayers.  My mami has always been someone I know I could count on to be my cheerleader and supporter.  I remember that after I got back from my year of volunteer work in El Paso, Texas, my mami told me that she really struggled with me being far away and in a city that could potentially be dangerous.  She felt like Mary.  I know that many times while I was there I felt her holding me, like Mary held Jesus before he was nailed to the cross.  I can only hope that I am doing the same for her now.  I prayed for her at that moment.

Then, naturally, I thought about my daughter.  As I indicated on the prior blog post, Sofia had to go to the emergency room the other day.  She's totally fine now.  But it spurred me to reflect upon how I know I will need to hold her and be strong for her in the future, holding her through heartbreaks, injuries and illnesses.  Can I be as strong as Mary when Sofia is being tested and ridiculed?  I prayed for Sofia.  I prayed for my own strength.  I prayed for compassion.             

Jesus is Nailed to the Cross, station 11.  I cannot help but compare what my mami is going through with GBS to the suffering that Jesus felt on the cross.  Day in and day out my mami is feeling pain throughout her body, emotionally and physically.  She is feeling what Jesus felt on the cross, physically and emotionally on some levels.  Jesus on the cross felt abandoned, the people he loved the most were driving the nails into his skin.  I don't think my mami feels abandoned.  But at times I do see her struggling with patience and pain, both of which are natural.  I know we have been taught that God will only give us what we can handle.  I believe this.  However, sometimes I ask myself, "God, why do you think me and my family can handle so much?  Why do you trust us so much?"  When we were at this Station I literally saw my mami nailed to the cross.  It was hard to bare.  The beauty in the cross, however, is that there is and will be a resurrection   I am blessed that at that moment in prayer my mind did start to move towards the resurrection.  I know my mami is going to heal, she has already started back on that slow journey.  Just yesterday I got a voicemail message from my mami telling me that she walked 12 steps with little assistance.

I am always astonished at how God uses the simple decisions in our lives, such as me staying for the Stations of the Cross, to move us deeper into prayer.  Please continue to pray for my family as we help my mami bare the cross of GBS.                  

March 6th, 2013: Exhausted But Grateful

The last 48 hours for me have been exhausting.  Although I am tired I am also grateful.  Ministry has been super busy.  Tomorrow night we elect and appoint the new leaders for the 2013-2014 academic year.  For these elections and appointments to take place tomorrow, Anthony, the other campus minister, and myself, need to meet with each applicant individually.  There are about 40 student leadership positions at the USC Caruso Catholic Center.  Beyond the scheduled meetings there are also students in the midst of discernment for leadership who have not 'officially' applied and are in need of an meeting.  Then there are the regular, normal activities, such as RCIA, planning for two spring break projects (one to New Orleans the other to the Appalachian Mountains), a silent retreat that's coming up in April, the bulletin, the weekly email...and on and on.  I am not complaining.  I love every aspect of this ministry, especially meeting with students one on one, listening to their lives, hearing where God is present, and helping them recognize their gifts.  I am grateful that students trust me with their lives and their relationship with God.  It's just busy.

Then last night, right after I left daily mass, as I was headed into an interview, I looked at my phone, and with a student in my office, I read a text message out loud ..."I am taking Sofia to the ER.  Call me."  Naturally, I freaked out.  My baby had never been to the ER.  Talking to Mike on the phone I just cried.  Really, it was not that big a deal.  In the moment, when I told my pastor that I had to leave to be with my daughter, I even remember telling him, "I have a feeling I am blowing this out of proportion", but my mind instantly was on her and I knew I had to leave.  What had happened was that she was playing in the playground at school, with Mike present, and she tripped over her own feet.  She fell on her face and her tooth went through her bottom lip.  She was bleeding everywhere.  Mike took her to the ER.  After I got home I found out that the ER doctor said that it was not as bad as it looked, and put some sort of medical glue on it, instead of a stitch.  When I first saw her she was attached to Mike.  She was not crying or overly shaken up.  I was just glad to be home.  I am grateful it was not worse.  I was happy to have her in my arms.    

After Sofia and I had our moment I looked at my mail that had arrived.  The staff at Catholic Charities in Albuquerque, my last place of employment, had sent my mami and I a get well soon card!  The thought that arose in my mind at that moment was, how did I get so lucky to be so blessed with love?      

Needless to say, after a night of excitement with Sofia and ministry, I did not fall asleep until 2am.  And Sofia woke me up at 5:30am.  Very little sleep.  But one positive that came out of waking up so early is that I was able to facebook chat with a good friend of mine that lives in Peru.  Catching up with him was so nice!  We are struggling with similar issues of a parent that is ill.  It was also nice for me to hear that he is doing well in all other aspects of his life.  And he also sees the hand of God in having him move back to Peru to be closer to his father in a time of need.      

At about 9:30am Sofia and I left to Oxnard.  We drove straight to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my mami also got very little sleep last night due to the fact that they were running tests on her late into the evening.  Sofia was also very clingy to me.  I only visited with my mami for about 20 minutes in the morning.  However this evening I spent about an hour and a half with my mami, alone.  I am so grateful to just talk to her.  I truly enjoy every conversation I have with her and my papi.  I am relishing every word as they speak to me.

Physically, my mami seems even a little bit stronger than when I saw her last.  The big difference is that she no longer has her feeding tube and is eating normal food.  There are no real restrictions to her diet at this point, other than the fact that doctors don't want her to eat empty calories.  On that note, I did buy her froyo from Yogurtland, chocolate and cookies & cream flavored with oreos and peanut butter cups.  She loved it.        

One exciting thing is that my Titi Jane from Puerto Rico might be coming soon!  Titi Jane is the oldest of my mami's sisters.

Due to the fact that my husband, Sofia and I have not had a family day in over six weeks, this Saturday we will not be going up to Oxnard to visit my parents.  Instead we are probably going to the zoo.  The next visit I'll have with my parents will probably be next Wednesday.  If I get any more big news from my papi I will inform everyone with a new blog.

A.M.D.G.      

March 4th, 2013: Short Update

Today was a big day for my mami!  At 12:30pm my papi arranged for my mami to see her dog, Paco!  It's sort of nuts to think about Paco, this huge, horse like, Bearnaise Mountain Dog, that weights as much as me, going to a rehabilitation facility.  But Paco made it.  He visted my mami in the healing garden on the ground level of the facility.  While I was not present at this reunion, I know that they both rejoiced in one another's presence.

Later today my mami passed her swallowing test!  This means that she no longer has her feeding tube!  My mami's first meal was mashed potatoes, gravy, chicken, spinach, dessert, juice and water.  I hope she got her froyo!  Whether she did or not, I am going to bring her froyo on Wednesday.  Conveniently, Yogurtland is right next to the rehabilitation facility!  I am looking forward to seeing my mami without any tubes stuck to her face. 

I am re-listening to Fr. Greg Boyle's CD from LA Congress.  The layers of wisdom during his talk are hard to grasp if you only listen to it one time.  On the CD it states that once when Fr. Greg was being interviewed the interviewer asked him, how does it feel to have saved so many lives of individuals affected by gangs?  Fr. Greg responded with something like, "I don't mean to be rude, but, every time I interact with homies I am the one that's being saved.  They teach me humility.  They teach me patience.  They teach me love.  I don't save them, they save me."    

As we pray for local elections tomorrow here in Los Angeles, the prayerful selection of our new Pope in Rome in the coming weeks, and the continuation of our conversion towards Christ this Lenten season let's reflect upon Fr. Greg's words of wisdom, allowing those who we minister to, work and interact with to change our lives towards Godliness. 

March 3rd, 2013: Grateful

I am sitting at my computer at home, after a good long day of ministry, drinking a glass of moscato white wine.  In a good way, exhaustion overtakes my body.  It's amazing how much I love my job.  When I was interviewing for this position last year I remember telling Fr. Lawrence and Anthony, that I am my most authentic self when I am ministering to college students.  I knew that statement was true -  but I am amazed at how much God is challenging me to grow to become an even better version of myself through my interactions with all of these students.  My level of prayer and reflection is deeper and my daily mass attendance has even increased.  The sense of community that exists at the Catholic Center is so very reminiscent of the Catholic Community at UCSD, even though the communities are very different.  I cannot describe the gratitude I feel that God has given me this opportunity to minister at the USC Caruso Catholic Center.  I can only hope that God is using me to the best of God's ability to minister to the students in the way that they need it.        

Now to an update about my mami.  First a caveat, my mami asked that I read her all of the blog posts I have written since the start of her experience with GBS.  After I finished reading the posts she asked me to take notes on what she wanted me to write about.  Most of the thoughts below were directly given to me from my mami.  However, since its written by me it will be in first-person.       

Yesterday, Mike, Sofia and I visited with my parents again.  My mami was noticeably better.  Since she arrived to the physical rehabilitation facility on Wednesday, she has been on a 4 hour daily regimen of healing - rotating between occupational, physical and speech therapies.  

The night before last, due to pain, my mami only slept 4 hours.  She actually missed her first speech therapy appointment yesterday because she was sleeping.  The therapist tried waking her up but my mami was in very deep sleep.  However, with persistence and by the grace of God, the therapist got permission to work overtime, with my mami, in the later afternoon.  

While my mami napped in the afternoon I went to the Oxnard Public Library and checked out some books on CD for her.  Some of the subject matters included, Mother Theresa, Greg Boyle SJ's Tattoos on the Heart, and a book on Pope John Paul II.  When I brought her the books later that afternoon she was thrilled.  Immediately, she wanted to hear Fr. Greg Boyle's book!  She was excited to find out that in less than two weeks I am going to go with a group of students to see Fr. Greg feature a new film about Homeboy Industries.    

My mami told me that a deacon came to visit her and gave her spiritual communion (since she cannot consume anything through her mouth yet) and my dad received communion.  She told me that her and the deacon spoke at length about humility.  As most of you know, Pope Benedict resigned.  My mami feels a connection to Pope Benedict...she feels like she needs to be humble like him.  She needs to allow God to use this time to work on her relationship with God.  She also said she needs this time to work on herself rather than on other worldly things.  She will never take what she has for granted.      
Lastly my mami wants to thank everyone for all the cards and flowers that you have sent her.  She describes her room like a garden.

I am going to visit my mami and papi again this Wednesday.  I am looking forward to spending more time with them.  Ever since we moved to California in September I have tried very hard to spend time with my family as often as I can.  I even remember telling my mami before she got ill that we never know how long we have with each other on this earth and therefore we must cherish the time we have with one another.  I am so grateful that I have a job I love that is near where my parents live.  I am also so blessed to have a husband and daughter, Sofia, that give me the energy and support I need to be the person God created me to be.  

February 27th, 2013: Solo Dios Basta.

Nada te tubre,                                  Let nothing disturb you, Nada te espante,                              Let nothing frighten you, Todo se pasa,                                  All things are passing away, Dios no se muda.                             God never changes. La paciencia todo lo alcanza;          Patience obtains all things; Quien a Dios tiene nada le falta;     Whoever has God lacks nothing; Solo Dios basta.                              God alone suffices. - Santa Teresa de Jesus                   - St. Teresa of Avila As I drove to Oxnard today to visit my mami, I was listening to a lecture on CD given by the former head of the Dominican Order, Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, OP, at LA Congress, on Spirituality and the Universal Call to Holiness.  He quoted St. Teresa of Avila.  All throughout the day this prayer was ingrained in my mind, in Spanish.  All things are passing.  God never changes.  Patience obtains all things. The last time I saw my mami was a week ago today.  She has now been moved to a rehabilitation facility in Oxnard.  I cannot describe the improvement I have seen after not seeing her for a week, it is nothing short of a miracle.  All things are passing.  My mami has a stronger voice and is able to have longer and more in depth conversations.  She has more control of her body and is therefore able to move her body in a more natural way.  La paciencia todo lo alcanza.  Patience obtains all things. Today, Sofia saw my mami, her ita (abuelita), for the first time in six weeks.  Sofia was a tad shy because my mami still looks weak, but I could tell that both were happy to be reunited.  While I talked to my mami this evening Sofia would run in and out of the room and smile.  My mami told me that Sofia has been a big motivator for her to recover quickly.  It made me so joyful to see them interact, even though it was brief. On the left is a picture of Sofia eating ice cream in the cafeteria at the rehabilitation facility after she visited with ita. It was so wonderful to talk to my mami today.  Her and I laughed several times.  Hearing her laugh made me rejoice.  It felt like I had her back, fully.  As I drove back to Los Angeles tonight, for the first time since all of this started, four weeks ago, I finally felt at peace with my mami's recovery.  Even though I am aware that my mom still has a long way until she regains all of her strength back - for example she is still on a feeding tube because her throat muscles are not strong enough yet to eat through her mouth and she cannot stand for long periods of time - I know that through and with the strength of God she will recover.  Solo Dios basta.  God alone suffices.

February 25th, 2013: "That homey [God] always shows up."

Today I had a really great conversation with my papi.  I am truly looking forward to going to visit my mami and papi this Wednesday.  It's been too long since my last visit.  This whole situation has taught me a lot, although, most of it I cannot verbalize yet.  The one theme that continues to resonate in my prayer is love.  My parents love for one another and their love for both me and my sister is so evident and abundant.  God is present.  

Last week, since my husband and daughter were in Ohio I was able to spend a lot of time with my parents.  Every day I was not working I was in Oxnard, and on the days I did work, I commuted from Oxnard.

This weekend, instead of going to Oxnard, I re-charged my spiritual batteries by attending the LA Religious Education Congress with 10 amazing students from the USC Caruso Catholic Center, my husband, Mike, Sofia and 40,000 of my other closest Catholic friends.  It was a weekend of prayer and community.  Fr. James Martin, SJ, the man in the collar pictured above, stated that "LA Congress is a place to get a jolt of faith".  Although I feel as if I have been strong throughout my mami's syndrome I have had moments of weakness and emotional breakdowns.  This weekend lifted me up, deepened my vocation as wife, mother, and campus minister, and strengthened my relationship with God.  I am joyful that I gave myself the space to attend this conference, when I could have just as easily let it go and not allowed God to work in me the way God did this weekend.

In the next few days my mami will be moved out of the hospital and she will move into a 24 hour physical rehabilitation facility.  My mami, papi and I have selected a place where we think she'll thrive.  She is growing stronger by the day.  From reports I have heard from my papi, she's standing a little bit longer, is moving both arms a lot better, and her strength is improving.  Besides moving to the physical rehabilitation facility my mami's next big step will be getting off of the feeding tube and eating solids.  The stronger her throat muscles get, with the additional speech therapy she will get at the rehabilitation facility, the sooner the feeding tube will be removed.  The current hospital she is in has been great with her care, however, now, she's in need of services the hospital is ill-equipped to handle.

Driving home from work today, I was listening to Fr. Greg Boyle's talk from LA Congress.  I cried.  A young man, a homey, confessed to Fr. Greg, that he had been praying.  The homey said that when he prays, "that homey [God] always shows up."  The young man who was praying to God, perhaps, had issues of abandonment due to the life he had led.  For God to be so present to him, for me was not hard to understand.  God is present to all of us, all of the time, logically, I know.  But in that moment, what struck me is that God is present, even in my struggles.  I have known, in my head, logically, that God is ever-present in my mami's struggle.  However, tonight, after some reflection on those tears and those words, I felt God holding me even tighter.  God is so present, loving, and patient.  For all of this, I am truly blessed.

February 21st, 2013: Another Short Update

Today I was back in Los Angeles, working at USC.  However, even though I was working, I was in contact with my dad via text message most of the day.  My mom was moved out of ICU and now has her own room!  Small steps!

My mami also stood (not sure if it was with or without support) for 30 minutes and sat down without support for 32 minutes.  She started acupuncture on her ears so to subdue the pain she is feeling.  The more the pain is controlled the easier it is for her to focus on recovering.  

Also, today, she had voice therapy.  I can tell her voice is coming back stronger.  I was able to talk to her on the phone for a few minutes.  She is absolutely one of the strongest women I know.  I am so blessed to have her as an example of strength, perseverance, and love in my life.

I received an email today from GBS International and was given contact information of two people who live in Southern California who might be of support for my family through this, they are GBS survivors.  After talking to my mom about the information I received I decided to call the two people.  I called both of them tonight.  One answered.  The person I left a message on their machine.  It's amazing how total strangers, who have faced similar paths, can instantly feel like close friends.                                                                                                                 
Thank you for your continued prayers.                            

The picture above was taken July 2012. 

        

    

February 20th, 2013: Signs of Slow Recovery

I am sitting in my mami's room again as she sleeps.  She looks so peaceful.  Today, Wednesday, before I drove up from Los Angeles to visit my mami again, I did some more research on Guillain-Barre Syndrome.  I found, the Guillain-Barre Syndrome International Foundation (http://www.gbs-cidp.org/). Along with my dad,  we are in the process of attempting to find a good rehabilitation center for my mami.  On the GBS International Foundation website they have links for support groups and also facilities that are renowned in care for people with GBS.  In hope of seeking the best medical advice, I have already contacted UCLA's medical center and I am in the process of looking at USC's and Cedar Siani's programs.

Yesterday, Tuesday, when I was with my mami, before I left to Los Angeles so that I could work, my mami sat down in a chair for 15 minutes, all by herself!  It was tough for her because she told me that her lungs felt stiff, like maracas.  But my cousin said that it was good that she was sitting because it allows for her muscles to move in ways they had not moved in a few weeks.  The picture on the right is my cousin Carlos and Eva.     

One can definitely see, day by day, a slow recovery taking place.  For the first time, today, Wednesday, she sat down on her bed, with her back not supported by anything, without any help.  Her neck and back were perfectly vertical.  It made me very excited.  She also had speech therapy.  Listening to her one can tell that her voice is getting stronger each day.

Random fact:  did you know that Andy Griffith suffered from GBS?  

Things that I am grateful for today include, a quick 30 minute run on a treadmill at the gym, my mom's slow recovery, my dad's love, and picking up my daughter, Sofia, and my husband, Mike, at LAX after they went for a week long visit to Ohio.  

Thank you for your continued prayers!