May 4, 2007: Letting Go

Letting go. Everyone knows the saying if you set it free and it comes back to you then you know its yours. Focusing on the notion "set it free," for me, is the hardest part of this statement. The "it" can be many things - ego, pride, a grade, a city, friendships, or romantic relationships. Why is letting go so difficult? Is it because we think that whatever we are holding onto is fulfilling some need? Why is it so difficult to see letting go as something that can be positive? In my life letting go seems to be my theme. Every time I get close to a location, person, or situation - every time my desires for something that's either in my hands as a part of my immediate reality or potentially a part of my not-so-distant future - the reality or the dream has to be let go of. Does this make the dream, person, situation, or location that I have to let go of bad? No. So why is it hard to let go of? Not only does it have an intrinsic attraction to it but also because I want it! But is what I want good for me? Is what I want what God wants? Again I fall back to the question why is it so hard to let go? What if your head knows you've got to let go but your heart won't? Why is it that once you open your heart to something you desire you are left completely vulnerable to the experience of being so hurt - to the point that you've got to completely let go? Just how dangerous is an open heart?

Besides leaving San Diego, the last romantic relationship I was in has been one of the hardest things I have had to completely let go of. Cordial when I see him but I've got to resist calling or texting. Why? Because at this point I do desire more than he can give me. So when he does not give me what I desire then I am being rejected over and over again - this is the present. What's hard to let go of is the glimpse of a form of love we shared. Even though we may not have been "in love" we shared intimacy, connection, and passion, which for me is a form of love. I opened myself to him on many levels. None of which I regret. But, this is all in the past. He fulfilled a need within me. More so, he showed me a type, a deeper form of love than I have ever felt from a romantic relationship. This is what is hard to let go of. Yet admits all of this he still could not love me fully. Why? I don't know yet. What I do know is that he's shown me the potential there is for someone to love me as he did. And what is exciting is that love we had will be equated plus more will be given by someone else. This is why I have to let go of him. I have got to let go to be open to others. I have been shown a new dimension of God's love for me through and in this relationship. Now I've got to step back and allow God to love me at that depth. Letting go needs to occur so that we can not only learn how to love ourselves more but also so we can grow closer to Christ. All of this is so much easier said than done. However difficult letting go may be keeping our focus on the immense love God has for us, and allowing His love to imbue our souls, will help us in the process of death and resurrection entangled with letting go.