September 20, 2007: Space

Space. A double entendre. Space as in distance. Space as in physical location. What creates a space? Objects, color, shape, texture, sounds, taste, smell. All of these things create a physical space. Memories - things that are beyond any designers imagination, also creates a space. Good, sad, joy filled, scary, heart warming, and heart breaking memories creates a space. How does one change a space that breaks your heart every time you enter it? How can one erase memories, good memories, from any space? Simultaneously, when I moved into my new duplex I was in the midst of beginning a fantastic relationship. The space I am in right now grew into becoming memories of an blooming relationship. In a sense, even though he did not live with me, the space became "our" space because we spent a lot of time there. Beyond my control the relationship ended. Amongst the many questions and emotions I am feeling on thing I struggle with is, how can I now change "our" space into "my" space? I cannot escape the memories. I cannot escape that good space. So what do I do? No memory creates a bad or sour space. Yet in the process of letting go I must change the space while still savoring the cherished memories.

What about space as in distance? There is a lot of distance between many of the people I love and myself. My parents, my best friend, and close friends are scattered around the country. I have not talked or heard from a man I love for over a week. What does this space do? Does it bring us closer? Does it tear us apart? What it does to me is tear me up inside. The space creates an ache in my heart. Yet, I know, space can bring about good.

May 11, 2007: Pavlov's Dog

In psychology, as an undergraduate, I learned about Pavlov's dog. Pavlov was a psychologist who trained dogs to behave in a certain way by introducing the same command. It is not a surprise that we also have "learned behaviors," such as, when our bladders get full we run to the restroom.

Now, what if we change our own behaviors so to change the behavior of another? What if we change the behavior of another human being by introducing a new command? Is it a form of manipulation? Or, can it be a form of self-care if the new command you evoke helps your own well-being? Or is it a combination of both? In any relationship doesn't this sound like a game people play so that they can either feel good about a certain situation? Or control a situation? Is this game moral?

As a form of self-care and possibly subconsciously as a form of manipulation, in that I wanted this man to miss me, I did not call or text my last romantic relationship for the past week. In all honesty, this weeklong 'break' truly made me feel at peace with the scenario. As much as I do still miss him I was able to focus on my own needs and myself. For me this behavior was different. Usually during the week I would text or call to either check in or see if he wanted to have lunch. I introduced a new command, avoidance. While I was on the tennis court doing my own thing today I received a text from him to have lunch. It is possible that the avoidance evoked a behavior in him that I had not really experienced since we dated. I am not sure and I will never be sure if my avoidance truly evoked the lunch. But it does make me question did I manipulate this scenario? Are my own self needs more valuable that manipluating the scenario? Is this one of those games I truly hate to play? Did he truly miss me?

May 8, 2007: Mother's Day

“The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life…the stronger the daughter (The Red Tent, Anita Diamant, pg 2).” Imagine being a Hispanic woman at the age of twenty-one and your mother passing away from diabetes. Shortly after experiencing this tragic event you leave your homeland and migrate to an area uncharted by you or any of your family members. Then, with a Spanish accent, you are attempting to make it in academia and in the workforce concurrently, both of which in the early eighties was heavily infiltrated with middle class Anglo-men. I am aware that there are a lot of people who can relate to the challenges of this story, however, it affects me on a personal level because it is a brief snip-it of my mother’s life in her early twenties. Throughout all of her adversities and joy-filled moments she has sustained a strong faith and allowed God’s presence and providential care to nourish her. She has endured and simultaneously enjoyed a bountiful life. Because of who my mother is, her experiences, her faith, her unconditional love, and what she has taught me verbally and non-verbally, she is one of the most influential people in my life.

Not living at home for the past nine years I have had many women in my life whom have nurtured me in a similar way. Mother’s day, I believe, also extends to these women. It is about celebrating the women in our lives whom are our biological mothers and our spiritual, emotional, supportive non-biological mothers – surrogate mothers or mother’s in Christ.

My mother and I are very close. Since I do live far away from her it is difficult for me to give her the gift she desires most, the gift of quality time, I therefore dedicate this short article to her. Enjoy your mothers, biological or surrogate. As children we do set high expectations for our mothers, however, what we have to realize is that it is not easy being a mother and they are human! Therefore, celebrate their lives and embrace them as they are. God is intimately intertwined in these relationships.

Gratitude for my Mother

Dear Lord, today I turn to you to give you thanks for my mother. With your own gift of life, she bore me in her womb and gave me life. She tenderly, patiently cared for me and taught me to walk and talk. She read to me and made me laugh. No one delighted in my successes more; no one could comfort me better in my failures. I am so grateful for how she mothered me and mentored me, and even disciplined me.

Please bless her, Lord, and comfort her. Help her loving heart to continue to love and give of herself to others. Strengthen her when she is down and give her hope when she is discouraged.

Most of all, Lord, on this Mother's Day, give my mother the graces she most needs and desires today. I ask you this, in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior forever and ever.

Prayer found on: http://www.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Mothers/#Gratitude

May 6, 2007: Friendship

Have you ever heard the church song "Friends"? The lyrics are as follow..."Packing up the dreams God planted in the fertile soil of you; Can't believe the hopes he's granted means a chapter in your life is through. But we'll keep you close as always; It won't even seem you've gone, cause our hearts are big and in small ways. Will keep the love that keeps us strong. And friends are friends forever. If the Lord's the Lord of them. And a friend will not say never cause the welcome will not end. Though its hard to let you go, in the Father's hands we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends." This is the song that played at mass yesterday. If I were not at mass and having to display a "public face" I would have broken down crying! Letting go of a friend due to graduation or circumstance is a difficult thing to do. Praying and relying on God and His plan is all we can do in these scenarios. God will sustain and nourish.

What is a friend? Why are they so important? What is it about them that we desire? God created us to be in community so that we can live to our full potential - be who we are. We have an innate desire to be with others. However, what does this innate desire with others do for us? Why do we feel the need to nourish this? Is it because we need to have a place where we can bounce and debate ideas about philosophical or concrete issues so that we can become more virtuous people? Does becoming a more virtuous person require good friends? Is it because these friendships feed a desire of love? Why is my definition of friendship deeply intertwined with my notion of romantic love? This intertwining is good but it can blur or confuse boundaries at times.

One aspect of friendship, I believe, is that friends should be there in times of joy, sadness, and all the in between. What if you reach out to them, ask them to be present in the midst of whatever is going on, and they don't respond, support, or are not present, whatever form that presence might be? Can they be forgiven? Are they true friends?

Although this blog entry is not quite rhythmic in flow I think these random thoughts are worth reflecting upon.

May 4, 2007: Letting Go

Letting go. Everyone knows the saying if you set it free and it comes back to you then you know its yours. Focusing on the notion "set it free," for me, is the hardest part of this statement. The "it" can be many things - ego, pride, a grade, a city, friendships, or romantic relationships. Why is letting go so difficult? Is it because we think that whatever we are holding onto is fulfilling some need? Why is it so difficult to see letting go as something that can be positive? In my life letting go seems to be my theme. Every time I get close to a location, person, or situation - every time my desires for something that's either in my hands as a part of my immediate reality or potentially a part of my not-so-distant future - the reality or the dream has to be let go of. Does this make the dream, person, situation, or location that I have to let go of bad? No. So why is it hard to let go of? Not only does it have an intrinsic attraction to it but also because I want it! But is what I want good for me? Is what I want what God wants? Again I fall back to the question why is it so hard to let go? What if your head knows you've got to let go but your heart won't? Why is it that once you open your heart to something you desire you are left completely vulnerable to the experience of being so hurt - to the point that you've got to completely let go? Just how dangerous is an open heart?

Besides leaving San Diego, the last romantic relationship I was in has been one of the hardest things I have had to completely let go of. Cordial when I see him but I've got to resist calling or texting. Why? Because at this point I do desire more than he can give me. So when he does not give me what I desire then I am being rejected over and over again - this is the present. What's hard to let go of is the glimpse of a form of love we shared. Even though we may not have been "in love" we shared intimacy, connection, and passion, which for me is a form of love. I opened myself to him on many levels. None of which I regret. But, this is all in the past. He fulfilled a need within me. More so, he showed me a type, a deeper form of love than I have ever felt from a romantic relationship. This is what is hard to let go of. Yet admits all of this he still could not love me fully. Why? I don't know yet. What I do know is that he's shown me the potential there is for someone to love me as he did. And what is exciting is that love we had will be equated plus more will be given by someone else. This is why I have to let go of him. I have got to let go to be open to others. I have been shown a new dimension of God's love for me through and in this relationship. Now I've got to step back and allow God to love me at that depth. Letting go needs to occur so that we can not only learn how to love ourselves more but also so we can grow closer to Christ. All of this is so much easier said than done. However difficult letting go may be keeping our focus on the immense love God has for us, and allowing His love to imbue our souls, will help us in the process of death and resurrection entangled with letting go.

May 3, 2007: Emotionally Unavailable

Several times since I have been in this ministry students, mainly women, have come into my office and talked to me about relationships that they or a friend are in that are emotionally abusive and spiritually unfulfilling. I usually ask them the questions, why do you, or your friend, remain in this relationship? What are you or your friend giving to this relationship and getting by remaining in this relationship? It is interesting to see the eyes of students open up when they realize that they are giving a lot more than they are receiving. They usually come to the realization that these relationships are not fulfilling because of the imbalance and emotional unavailability of their counterpart. So why do those not being fulfilled stay in these relationships? Simply put...because they do not love themselves enough. And they do not embrace the love God has abundantly graced them with.

What is interesting is that this is not a phenomenon that happens merely in college. This is something that even as a post-graduate student I have dealt with. This has made me ask the questions, is it that these men are emotionally unavailable or are these men loving me in the only way that they can...but somehow that love does not fulfill me? Will the way a man love me one day fulfill me? Or is the only love that will fulfill me that of God? Or is it not that these men are emotionally unavailable but am I the one that is emotionally unavailable? If I don't love myself the way God loves me then doesn't that say that I am not completely emotionally available because I don't love myself enough? When do we begin to love ourselves enough? When do we know that we love, see and accept ourselves as God loves, sees and accepts us as we are?

May 2, 2007: Is Life Just One Huge Transition?

When we are born into this world, we transitioned from being a thought in our parent's and God's heart to being a part of humanity. As life went forward we transitioned through many things, such as different grades in school, moving to new locations, through the joys, trials and tribulations of friendships, going away to college, beginning new jobs, getting married, and having children. Is life just one huge transition? How do we deal with transitions? What is the final transition? Being a Catholic I have faith that my final transition will be from this world into the arms of God. While this answer feels ambiguous because of the inability for it to be tangible in this world I do find comfort in the notion that the transitioning will finally end!

Currently it feels as if my life has been in flux. Ten months ago I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico to begin my first ministry position in campus ministry. I've read that moving to a new location on the stress scale is only second to death of a loved one. In the past ten months I have had two bosses at work, a third is pending, have broken up with my ex-boyfriend twice, dated other men after the second break-up with my ex-boyfriend, transitioned into a more adult understanding of my faith, the reality of poverty and immigration, and the world in general. My family in California is also transitioning, which naturally, being a Hispanic affects me. Transition is a part of every aspect in my life at this moment. Although all of these transitions are difficult to understand and difficult to deal with, for some reason, I know that these crosses will bring forth a resurrection. And while the resurrection for me is hard to see I know that God’s hands are leading and holding me to the next phase in my life. However, what I question is, once there is resurrection in these areas of my life, what will be the next transition? How will I deal with the transition? Why is it that when one finally feels at peace with some aspect of their life that another aspect of their life begins a new transition?

May 1, 2007: The Unexamined Life

"The unexamined life is not a life worth living." This is not an original idea. Last night as I was watching a TV show and this statement was questioned. If the unexamined life is not worth living, is there a limit to the examination? Can we over analyze situations and our own lives to the point that the questioning becomes irrelevant or pointless? I've been told many times in my life, mainly by men, that I think too much. So was Socrates, whom may I point out was a man, wrong when he stated the above quote? In my gut I say no. For example, when I was in and back from Juarez my inner core was shaken. If I was not moved by that experience and not examining my life I think I would become stagnant in my own growth as a more dynamic person. I would not be reaching towards my full potential. I would not be looking at humanity and relationships with an open mind. I would not examine my role within the cycle of poverty. If I do not integrate that experience into my life, my life would not be worth living. Socrates does have a valid statement. However, I also see the truth in over-examining. This comes to clearest fruition within me when it comes to men. I over-examine when communication is unclear, boundaries are blurred, barriers are formed, or mixed signals are shot out. At some point, with most issues we wrestle with, we must step back and give the questions, unanswered, to God. We have to sit in the "not-knowing" an answer. It can be very uncomfortable.

So what is the balance? When do we stop questioning and examining? When do we just allow the Spirit to be? How do I try to navigate who I am and where I am supposed to go without continuously over-questioning and over-examining?

April 30, 2007: Picture Not-So-Perfect

Why is it that a picture can stir so much emotion within you? A photograph of a particular person can only paint an external silhouette of someone. However, there within the colors, shades, lines, curves, and tints, there is something deeper that the picture elicits. Today this deeper connection embedded within a picture is what elicited in me a sense of unabating pain. Working diligently on the ministry, something that I have had a hard time doing for the past month, I was perusing a book when I unexpectedly saw a picture of him. In the picture, in one of his favorite shirts, he is smiling coyly. The same smile he had given me so many times in the past. What is behind that smile? Better stated...what do I see in and behind that smile that makes me ache for him and pull away from him?

Why do women subject themselves to something that is not good for them? How come we either become complacent with what we can get or some how get ourselves into relationships that hurt us in the long run? As my best friend asked me yesterday, why do I allow myself to fall into a "battered woman's" mentality...stating that "he's a good guy, but..." Why do we make ourselves available to men who are unavailable? Is this a defense mechanism to unconsciously protect ourselves from something or is it merely a pattern because the closest men in our lives are emotionally unavailable? In my life every time I think the relationship picture is right it seems to either not fit quite right or the picture shatters my heart.

April 29, 2007: Single Woman in a New City

What is this crazy woman up to? What is this blog about? Well being a single Catholic in Albuquerque, New Mexico, relatively a small town, where typically people already have their cliques established at birth, is a challenge. What is this woman from Southern California, who is involved in an intense ministry, has high morals, is really picky, supposed to do for a social life? Love life? This is what this blog is about; figuring out who God is calling me to be in relationship with others in this world. I am using a word play with the title, Catholic in the City. Have you seen the show Sex and the City? Well my morals are quite different than the show but I think ultimately I have a similar goal...to share love and be loved. Obviously some major differences are that I will be chaste in the city until the day I marry. Lastly, I am not writing this because I think I am a great writer. But, I do have a lot of thoughts that have the potential to be insightful. And, if anything I can evoke provoking questions.

Today, Good Shepherd Sunday, we heard a homily on relationships and how important it is to be in relationship with others. Not being in relationships with others stagnates our own development. Although this is a topic that I think is obvious it is interesting to think about how much the morals of our individualistic society push us away from being in relationships, when in reality our souls crave relationships. If we are meant to be in relationship with others, male or female, what is a single woman in a new small town supposed to do in this case? I do not question my "being" in Albuquerque. But I do ponder for what end am I here? What is the end goal? What relationships will form me into who I am supposed to become? Where am I going to build these relationships? Have I already built them? If relationships are the essence of being human and building the nexus of relationships in a new area is difficult what is a gal supposed to do?