Feb. 23, 2010: Where is God Calling Me?

I have been interacting with a lot of people lately who are discerning what their next step in life should be. Discernment about what our true vocation is, from my experience, seems to be somewhat never ending. This is not to say that those who are currently seeking what their next step in life should be are in a place that is not important. What I think is ultimately important is that we continuously remind ourselves that God is in control. We can make a decision and it could be right or wrong (although in my book things are not as clear as right or wrong). If the decision is not the right decision God will steer us back if we truly listen to what God is saying.

Ever since I was a small child I dreamed of being a pediatrician. I love kids. I wanted to work with them and heal them. That is why I wanted to go to University of California, San Diego and be pre-med. UCSD is one of the best schools in California for pre-medical education. I remember vividly laying in bed one night in high school and asking God to help the admissions people at UCSD accept me. I bargained with God saying, "if you get me in to UCSD I will go to church every Sunday". Little did I know that this bargain would cost me my life, in a good way.

I got into UCSD and decided to be pre-med with a major in psychology. The first year was a struggle on many levels. I was not good at chemistry, biology, or math. I was doing horrible academically. Socially I was struggling also. My best friend from high school and I decided to room together. That was a mistake. We clashed a lot. In the midst of trying to find ourselves in college both her and I were holding onto who the other person was in high school. We were changing in good ways but we were not allowing the other to grow. It was a very hard year.

Then I met a Cuban girl, Michelle. She noticed that I was struggling so she invited me to go to church with her. To get out of my dorm and out of my head I said yes. We went to the Catholic Community, Newman Center, at UCSD that Sunday. I stepped in and I remember immediately feeling at home. It did not hurt that there was a really cute guy in the choir that caught my attention. God works in mysterious ways. I always joke that the cute choir guy is what hooked me to come back to church every Sunday. Obviously it was God that was helping me keep my promise.

Academically, as stated above, I was struggling. I did not know what to do. I started to discern (without even really knowing that term) what my true vocation was. I decided to not be pre-med and instead go into nutrition and dietetics. Then I realized I still had to take those science and math classes so I was not sure what to do. My gifts and talents were not in the sciences. I decided to stick with my major of psychology, drop the pre-med, and see where that would take me.

At Newman I was thriving. I became a student minister (similar to a peer campus minister) my sophomore year and I was also confirmed my sophomore year. My best friends were at church. I was praying like I had never prayed before. I had a relationship with God that was new-found. I began to own my faith. It was an unbelievable feeling. God became the center of everything for me. This is when I started to pray about where was God calling me instead of where I was feeling I should go. For two years I discerned what God was calling me to do. Part of that discernment took me through considering religious life. During my senior year after much prayer, discussions with my close friends, and family, and really reflecting upon my life with God I discerned that I still was not sure where God was calling me. So I decided to volunteer for a year since I have always had a deep passion for social justice (topic of another blog). In prayer I decided that this opportunity would give me time to discern where God was truly calling me as well as give me a sense of full time ministry in something I was passionate about. During that year I felt called to do full time ministry but I knew that to do full time ministry in the Catholic Church I needed to become educated in our faith. While volunteering I applied for my Master in Divinity (the same degree priests get before they are ordained). Throughout this whole discernment there were two things that were truly sticking out for me, 1) my wonderful experience at the Newman Center in San Diego, and 2) my passion for social justice. After much prayer and discernment I felt God was calling me to provide a good campus ministry experience for others somewhere else. How did I know this was where I was called? As a student at UNM's Newman Center said this weekend, in the best possible way, God is the best nagger out there. God was nudging my heart and I could not get rid of the nudging.

How do I know this was the right decision? I knew God was calling me to where I am today because I truly have a sense of joy when I see God working in the lives of the students. My heart leaps when I hear students say that Newman is a home away from home for them. I cry when I see them get excited about their faith. I know I am in the right place because when something is said about the students that is unjust I am the first to stand up for them and defend them. At the start of this blog I wrote that discernment is something that is ongoing. What do I mean by this? Every day I wake up and I ask myself do I still feel as if God is calling me to do campus ministry? Today I can say I do feel called to campus ministry. However I do feel that God is also calling me towards something that is more focused in social justice. Where and when this nudge will take me I am unsure. God will make things clear in God's own time.

(This is only one aspect of vocation. There is also the aspect of how is God calling me to be in relationship with others? Am I called to be religious, single, married? These aspects will probably be discussed in another blog.)