January 1, 2008: Excess Baggage

Weddings! What is it about these life changing events that affect everyone who attends them in either a positive or negative way? We all know that whatever you bring to a situation affects how you will react. Baggage is a good term for this. People who are married may not understand this next statement - being a single women, just leaving a relationship, and being in a wedding is the pits. Watching a couple commit vows of eternal love to one another and to God when one does not even see the potential for romantic love at the present is a difficult conundrum.

This analogy will drive this point home. Imagine standing behind the bride during the bouquet toss, no one is in front of you...then in slow motion you see the bouquet falling right into your hands, you feel the roses touch your finger tips...then out of no where someone - a woman desperate to get married - snatches the bouquet out of your hands. Well I don't have to imagine this...it happened tonight. It's almost as if romantic love is at my reach yet something, a bouquet snatcher, always finds a way to take it away. I blew this off with..."I am not in a hurry to get married." While there is truth in my statement, at the same time I do struggle with the questions, but where and who is he? Others struggle with the question, why not now? I think the bouquet snatcher is a perfect analogy to women who ask these or similar questions.

I've never had difficulties with going to weddings - but this weekend I was asked to be present at a wedding. A friend was getting married - to a man whom I hear she was not "in love" with. Not only was I going to the wedding, but I was also in the wedding. Weeks prior to this day I was dreading the occasion. I talked to several of my single friends about going to a wedding as a "single" and all of them had similar views on this topic...simply stated, "it sucks!"

Even though this event was supposed to be love filled for some reason I did not feel romatnic love between the couple really present. Sadly, this made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being there. I wonder if the event itself was not full of love or if it was just my projection of a deep rooted emptiness that has taken root within me. Was it my baggage that was allowing me to become comfortable in an otherwise uncomfortable situation? I noticed a lot of ways single women were coping with this. Some were crying, others drinking, recoiling, or dancing. How can a single woman, who is smart, beautiful, and confident - completely loveable - get through weddings? What is it that makes it so uncomfortable for us as single people to get through weddings? I wonder if it has to do with the same or similar reasons as to why a bride might "jump the gun" and get married to a man she doesn't love.

This brings me to another thought, why did my friend settle for a man she was not in love with? Was it for stability? To get away from a family situation at home? Is it because in her mind she had pictured herself married at this age and felt as if she had to move forward on this 'dream' or if not it would never become a reality? Ego? Fear? Are these things that motivate people to get married prematurely? Then, once one is married, a family member told me today, sometimes it seems as if your husband does not exist! He's off doing his own things, which is not bad, but you have to be able to embrace your 'singleness' even in a committed relationship. Is it a false hope that 'marriage' will fill a sense of deep rooted loneliness?

So, do single people struggle with being at a wedding because of similar issues as someone who "jumps the gun" to get married? Fear that it might never happen? Pride that we thought we'd be married by now but circumstance has made it so that this has not occurred - so we're struggling with our own pride? Maybe its anger - anger that it has not happened or anger at a past love? Ultimately, again, whatever baggage we bring to a scenario dictates how the present situation will be viewed and how it will affect us. The challenge with all of this wedding stuff is to not over analyze why we as single people are not married, because we are loveable, but to enjoy and embrace our singleness at these moments. We have to remember that it is not a curse to be single. It is a time when we can explore ourselves, meet and get to know tons of people and enjoy the world without much commitment to anyone or anything - in a sense isn't that liberating?