April 30, 2007: Picture Not-So-Perfect

Why is it that a picture can stir so much emotion within you? A photograph of a particular person can only paint an external silhouette of someone. However, there within the colors, shades, lines, curves, and tints, there is something deeper that the picture elicits. Today this deeper connection embedded within a picture is what elicited in me a sense of unabating pain. Working diligently on the ministry, something that I have had a hard time doing for the past month, I was perusing a book when I unexpectedly saw a picture of him. In the picture, in one of his favorite shirts, he is smiling coyly. The same smile he had given me so many times in the past. What is behind that smile? Better stated...what do I see in and behind that smile that makes me ache for him and pull away from him?

Why do women subject themselves to something that is not good for them? How come we either become complacent with what we can get or some how get ourselves into relationships that hurt us in the long run? As my best friend asked me yesterday, why do I allow myself to fall into a "battered woman's" mentality...stating that "he's a good guy, but..." Why do we make ourselves available to men who are unavailable? Is this a defense mechanism to unconsciously protect ourselves from something or is it merely a pattern because the closest men in our lives are emotionally unavailable? In my life every time I think the relationship picture is right it seems to either not fit quite right or the picture shatters my heart.

April 29, 2007: Single Woman in a New City

What is this crazy woman up to? What is this blog about? Well being a single Catholic in Albuquerque, New Mexico, relatively a small town, where typically people already have their cliques established at birth, is a challenge. What is this woman from Southern California, who is involved in an intense ministry, has high morals, is really picky, supposed to do for a social life? Love life? This is what this blog is about; figuring out who God is calling me to be in relationship with others in this world. I am using a word play with the title, Catholic in the City. Have you seen the show Sex and the City? Well my morals are quite different than the show but I think ultimately I have a similar goal...to share love and be loved. Obviously some major differences are that I will be chaste in the city until the day I marry. Lastly, I am not writing this because I think I am a great writer. But, I do have a lot of thoughts that have the potential to be insightful. And, if anything I can evoke provoking questions.

Today, Good Shepherd Sunday, we heard a homily on relationships and how important it is to be in relationship with others. Not being in relationships with others stagnates our own development. Although this is a topic that I think is obvious it is interesting to think about how much the morals of our individualistic society push us away from being in relationships, when in reality our souls crave relationships. If we are meant to be in relationship with others, male or female, what is a single woman in a new small town supposed to do in this case? I do not question my "being" in Albuquerque. But I do ponder for what end am I here? What is the end goal? What relationships will form me into who I am supposed to become? Where am I going to build these relationships? Have I already built them? If relationships are the essence of being human and building the nexus of relationships in a new area is difficult what is a gal supposed to do?